Epiphany

I always have these thoughts throughout the day and think "Oh, this would be great to blog about". And then, by the time I actually sit down at the computer the thought have become far removed from my brain....

Today is Thursday and on Thursday mornings I have a young moms bible study group at church. There are about six of us and three of them I grew up with so I feel like we are a pretty close group. Right now we are going through this awesome book called Don't Make Me Count To Three by Ginger Plowman. It's this great book about "a mom's look at heart-oriented discipline". If you don't know what that means just ask. I'd love to share.

But that's not what I'm discussing here, it's just a little background. Today I've been pondering the future... pertaining to my children. This group of girls, at least to the best of my knowledge, all plan on homeschooling their kids. And they would all be great at it. I, on the other hand, feel very little calling to pursue that. I know I have issues with patience, I'm not a good teacher, and at this point in time I think when the time comes our children will go to public school initially and I'll go back to work. At least part-time.

So why do I feel a little guilty about it? I don't want to homeschool them. I was homeschooled for three years of my life and I absolutely hated it. Also --- Side note--- both my mother and mother-in-law are currently homeschooling their children and most of the kids have been homeschooled exclusively. I went to public school until the eighth grade, was homeschooled 8th-10th and the finished in private school. I turned out alright. I don't feel too jaded or warped. I don't feel like my parents were never there for me ( although one difference is that my mom always stayed home).

A lot of times the conversation in Bible Study comes around to the fact that we as wives and mothers are called to raise are children in the teaching and admonition of the Lord...Titus 2 says "3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." ...
and how can this be accomplished if we send our children off to school... and work outside the home?

Will I be judged by this group of believers if I choose not to follow in their footsteps? I admire them for what they are doing, but I just don't think it's for us, at this time. And I ask because we've sat around talking about "those women" who neglect their duties as a wife and mom to pursue careers and "have nice things". I'm not trying to pursue any kind of career. I just want my kids to get a decent education which I know isn't going to happen if they stay home with me... Thoughts?

William

This particular relationship was by far the most destructive I have ever been in. But as my dad always says " You never know how good the good news is until you know how bad the bad news gets" (I'm probably mis-quoting horribly but you catch my drift.) As awful as it was good things followed... This relationship was like an onion, it has many layers... This is just one, and maybe another time I'll share further.

There was a point in time when I was living with Will and his roommate. The original deal was I would house sit for the summer while he was in Belize and the roommate in NYC. Plans unfolded differently and I ended up there before they guys left. Up until this point I thought things were going well for us. Then three days after my 21st birthday he broke my heart. I was devastated.

We remained friends for the weeks that followed before he left but living under the same roof made it hard to "stay apart". So the lines became blurred. Were we together? Were we broken up? But we never had a conversation reversing that decision so on the morning he left I sadly excepted the fact that we were no longer a couple.

That summer, as I waited for his return, I kept a journal of my thoughts. I spent a lot of time over-analyzing every aspect of what had happened between us.* And when Will returned I gave it to him and pointed him to specific entries I felt he needed to read.** Then I moved out. He had found a new love while away and shortly after he had gone to England, and supposedly married the girl. His only response to what I had written was a brief letter of apology. One that wreaked of the fact that he was clueless as to why he was apologizing, but he felt it was the response I expected.

Why did I waste my time? What was the point of that outpouring. In the words of the lyrical genius Jason Mraz " Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send...Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take and come back together again with a whole new meaning in a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent ?" This is exactly how I felt.... Did you get my message? Obviously not. But it was all for the best.

* I do not recommend this at all. It's not healthy...
** I know, I'm an idiot.