Epiphany

I always have these thoughts throughout the day and think "Oh, this would be great to blog about". And then, by the time I actually sit down at the computer the thought have become far removed from my brain....

Today is Thursday and on Thursday mornings I have a young moms bible study group at church. There are about six of us and three of them I grew up with so I feel like we are a pretty close group. Right now we are going through this awesome book called Don't Make Me Count To Three by Ginger Plowman. It's this great book about "a mom's look at heart-oriented discipline". If you don't know what that means just ask. I'd love to share.

But that's not what I'm discussing here, it's just a little background. Today I've been pondering the future... pertaining to my children. This group of girls, at least to the best of my knowledge, all plan on homeschooling their kids. And they would all be great at it. I, on the other hand, feel very little calling to pursue that. I know I have issues with patience, I'm not a good teacher, and at this point in time I think when the time comes our children will go to public school initially and I'll go back to work. At least part-time.

So why do I feel a little guilty about it? I don't want to homeschool them. I was homeschooled for three years of my life and I absolutely hated it. Also --- Side note--- both my mother and mother-in-law are currently homeschooling their children and most of the kids have been homeschooled exclusively. I went to public school until the eighth grade, was homeschooled 8th-10th and the finished in private school. I turned out alright. I don't feel too jaded or warped. I don't feel like my parents were never there for me ( although one difference is that my mom always stayed home).

A lot of times the conversation in Bible Study comes around to the fact that we as wives and mothers are called to raise are children in the teaching and admonition of the Lord...Titus 2 says "3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." ...
and how can this be accomplished if we send our children off to school... and work outside the home?

Will I be judged by this group of believers if I choose not to follow in their footsteps? I admire them for what they are doing, but I just don't think it's for us, at this time. And I ask because we've sat around talking about "those women" who neglect their duties as a wife and mom to pursue careers and "have nice things". I'm not trying to pursue any kind of career. I just want my kids to get a decent education which I know isn't going to happen if they stay home with me... Thoughts?

William

This particular relationship was by far the most destructive I have ever been in. But as my dad always says " You never know how good the good news is until you know how bad the bad news gets" (I'm probably mis-quoting horribly but you catch my drift.) As awful as it was good things followed... This relationship was like an onion, it has many layers... This is just one, and maybe another time I'll share further.

There was a point in time when I was living with Will and his roommate. The original deal was I would house sit for the summer while he was in Belize and the roommate in NYC. Plans unfolded differently and I ended up there before they guys left. Up until this point I thought things were going well for us. Then three days after my 21st birthday he broke my heart. I was devastated.

We remained friends for the weeks that followed before he left but living under the same roof made it hard to "stay apart". So the lines became blurred. Were we together? Were we broken up? But we never had a conversation reversing that decision so on the morning he left I sadly excepted the fact that we were no longer a couple.

That summer, as I waited for his return, I kept a journal of my thoughts. I spent a lot of time over-analyzing every aspect of what had happened between us.* And when Will returned I gave it to him and pointed him to specific entries I felt he needed to read.** Then I moved out. He had found a new love while away and shortly after he had gone to England, and supposedly married the girl. His only response to what I had written was a brief letter of apology. One that wreaked of the fact that he was clueless as to why he was apologizing, but he felt it was the response I expected.

Why did I waste my time? What was the point of that outpouring. In the words of the lyrical genius Jason Mraz " Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send...Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take and come back together again with a whole new meaning in a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent ?" This is exactly how I felt.... Did you get my message? Obviously not. But it was all for the best.

* I do not recommend this at all. It's not healthy...
** I know, I'm an idiot.

A First...

So I think that I'll start a series of blogs about relationships, some mine, sometimes others... We'll see where this goes.

Today I want to tell you about my first kiss. It didn't happen when I was twelve, or even sixteen. I remember turning sixteen and a family friend saying in a sing-sing voice "Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed". If she only knew how true it was. And despite all of the heckling from one Jeremy P. about smooching Daniel E. or Philip H. I never kissed anyone in high school... I was 18.

The summer after I graduated I got a job working as a hostess in a restaurant downtown. I liked the job, was good at it and in the company of my co-workers I experienced other firsts not accustomed to my "sheltered" life.

I has pretty active in my church's college group and had a good core group of friends. One of these friends was kind of cute and we spent a lot of time together in small group settings. His best friend was dating my best friend so it was inevitable that we would be the "other" couple. Without ever verbalizing an interest in me I thought maybe we were just flirty people. Then one night he showed up at my job. Sat at the bar and drank a coke. He asked if I wanted to go see a movie when I got off. I was super excited. You have to remember that I had never really been asked out before* and a cute guy was doing the asking. So, I did what most girls would do. I lied to my boss to get off early so I could go to the movie.

We saw Snake Eyes and held hands, I think, and afterwards we went to IHOP. We chatted, ate and decided it was way to late to be out. We drove in separate cars because I lived nearby, so he walked me to my car. Keep in mind this young man was almost a foot taller than me, so the goodnight hug that turned into a kiss was awkward to begin with, despite the fact that it was a new experience.

We dated, sort of, after that but not for very long. I let the relationship fade and started seeing someone else. It took me awhile after the fact to realize that I really did like him, but it was too late. He dated and then married a friend of mine. And that's a little weird because I remember sitting on a bed relaying the event to my gal pals, and she was one of them. I'm sure she's probably told him what I said about it, including the fact that I was taken completely by surprise and the fact that he tried to stab me with his tongue didn't help.

I know. Not super exciting. When I started typing it played out a lot better in my head...

* I was asked out ONCE by the aforementioned Philip H. But I got in trouble for something and grounded so we never got to go out... Believe me, I gave my mom all kinds of grief about that one.

Blogging...

So, I think maybe I should try to do this more often and just vent or chat about what's going on in my world...

I'm really excited. For three reasons....

1. I have paint!!! I will start painting my living room tonight and hopefully finish up tomorrow and the next time you come over my house will look fabulous!

2. I got a new workout video from the library. It's the New York City Ballet Company's workout regimen. I'm ecstatic. I haven't done it yet but I'm about to.

3. Game night Sunday!!!! I love hanging out with my buddies and game nights at our house make it easier for us to do that without having to find someone to watch the kiddos.

But, there is sadness with the game night. For we recently met an awesome human being who after Sunday will live Far, Far, Away.... Sadness for the Shadmiester, the Shadinator, Shadley (sorry, but his name inspires me to add a ridiculous ending to it. ) Don't you hate it when that happens? You meet neat people only to have them move away. But I'm sure there are people Far Away wishing he was there too.

Fine. I guess you can go... Just make sure you come back...

And finally, five things I love today....
1. My recipe for Serendipity's frozen hot chocolate
2. Freecycle
3. Memories from my Senior Trip
4. Black Bean/Brown Rice on Whole Wheat tortilla burritos
5. Aunt Mona - Multilingual, teacher, former missionary to Kenya, five mile a day runner, butt-kicking card player, and health nut extraodinaire...

Oh, yeah. And scaryness.... my uncle Paul (not really an uncle, that's just what we call him) will be leaving soon to go to Israel for six months. Traditionally he is an international pilot for American and also serves in the Air Force Reserves... but they won't tell him what he's going to be doing, he just knows he's not going to be flying... That's a little scary to me. 'Cause honestly that is the very last place on earth I'd want to be right now.

And if you're bored check this out...
Hitler restaurant

What's a blog for?

Sorry about the last post. I was having a bad couple of days.

Anyway, I'm currently on a quest to find out the purpose of a blog. I've been reading quite a few and I've come up with several ideas... I'd love feedback.

A blog is...

* A place to gab about your daily events, kind of like a diary. If that's what I do it would look something like this... Woke up, got breakfast for the girls, watched cartoons with the girls, ate lunch, took a nap, fixed dinner, watched t.v., went to bed. Every day. No one wants to read that. Oh yeah, throw in an occasional trip to the grocery store and a shower.

* A safe haven to rant about roommates and co-workers. I've come across quite a few of these. They are pretty interesting to read, even more so when you know the people that they're talking about. My problem, my roommates are my hubby and kiddos, and I have no co-workers....um, what else...

* A cyber space gallery for art. Whether it be poems, artwork, or photography I can always find lots of these. Where again, I don't do any of these. I'm horrible at poetry, I'm not an artist and although I would like to try my hand at photography my current digital camera sucks and is M.I.A. so... strike three...

* Finally, a place to impart words of wisdom and share life changing experiences... I don't have words of wisdom except to say "Don't do what I did." Do people really want to hear that? I could talk about things I've done, relationships gone awry... would you read it? Would you care?

What's a blog for anyway?

I'm feeling

a little sad lately. I'm not completely sure why. I'm getting a little pissed at people in general, people who I thought were friends of mine who aren't talking to me, and then there are some that are just outright denying me. Yeah, that's a warm fuzzy.

I just feel all alone. Most of my family (my mom, most of my siblings, my dad and another sis will be heading out early next week) left this morning and will be gone for almost two weeks. And really, outside of my family, my husband and a few others (I mean a very few, like maybe two) I just don't have any friends. What's happened to me? Am I mean? Am I hateful? Do I smell? I mean seriously, why do people not like me or not like spending time with me? Am I not making enough of an effort here?

We've recently been presented with the possibility of moving to a small town several hours away and at first I was really upset because I didn't want to leave my friends, but wait... I don't have any. What am I leaving behind? nothing. My family I can talk to all the time and they are just a three hour drive away. So why not? No one here is gonna miss me.

Motivation

So, I am tired. Sick and tired of looking like I do. Several pounds over weight. For those who don't know me, in the last three and a half years I've had two precious babies. And my likeable size four has "blossomed". I keep blaming it on having babies but lets be honest, that maybe how the weight was added but that's not why after almost three years it's still here.

I really don't like exercise. Never have. Then again I've never had to be concerned with my weight. Until now. And making time to go somewhere and exercise just ain't happenin'. I've got two kids and no tolerance for three dollar a gallon gasoline. All that to say, this will not be "fun", but I've resolved, no matter how hard it might be, to get back in those clothes, by Christmas. These pictures are here to motivate me. This is what I want. Not the cocaine addict, anorexic body, like some models have but something that's healthy and toned.

So here's what I need from you. Keep me accountable. When you think about it send me a message, ask me how it's going. I need to stay motivated and on track.

If you're in the neighborhood lets go for a walk.

Oh no. I think we've got a problem...

Last night we went to one of our favorite hang outs to eat yummy food and listen to good music. Central Market. If you've never been you should go. It's a grocery store that carries all kinds of gourmet foods. The one by our house had a patio with a playground so you can eat out there and the kids can play on the playground. During the summer a local newspaper sponsors little concerts. Three fabulous bands played last night so we went. My three year old Chelsea was in heaven. She was so into it. Standing inches from the stage, dancing, even pressing her ear right up to the speakers. She sat right up by the bands for most of the night, they rarely lost her attention.

We all kind of joked that she looked like a groupie. When we got home I asked her what her favorite part of the night was and she said singing. I asked if she wanted to be a singer. She said yes and began to belt out a song she made up...adorable. Then first thing this morning she started talking about it again. I have no problems with her wanting to sing. in fact, I'd like that. So here is my concern. She's only three and rockin' out. I don't want her to grow up to be one of those girls... you know...a "Penny Lane".

I love music, my husband loves music. It's only natural that she'd be into it as well. I want to encourage her curiosity without helping her become a slutty groupie. Graham told her she couldn't date musicians. I thought that was funny because...well...musicians are hot. Right. And she's three. Hopefully she won't date for quite a while.

So, all that to say, if you get a chance to catch Calhoun, The Dark Romantics, or Black Tie Dynasty don't pass it up. Maybe you can rock out with Chelsea, right up front :)

Your secret place

I recently came across a website about the book Post Secrets. I remember when I first heard about the book. I thought it was a very interesting concept. People write on a postcard their most intimate secret and this book is full of them. It is a great outlet to get a possibly very heavy burden off your chest without being found out.

I am finding that more and more people are using their blogs the same way. It's a place for them to speak their minds and be their "true" self. Say things they would otherwise never say out loud. Maybe not the darkest of secrets but inner thoughts none the less. Why are we so afraid to be our true selves in front of everyone else?

Maybe it's the appeal of speaking your mind without having a real person staring back at you. I mean, have you ever been in a chat room? People say the vilest of things to you before they even know your name. Something they would probably never do if you were sitting next to them in a bar. Or maybe they would. I hope not.

So, musers type on... working out your thoughts, and I'll be there reading.

No one reads this so ...

What has happened to me? I used to be pretty organized, routine, rarely watched tv. Now I've become too lazy, no routine other than all my appointment t.v. and I hate it. Part of me wishes I had a job to go to. Give me something else to do. Something to regulate a schedule. I'M NEEDING STRUCTURE!!! But I also know that this season of my life requires me to be at home, raising my children.

I'm so torn. I guess I'm really ready to be adding more money to our income so we can finally buy a house. Renting is such a money pit. Thousands of dollars a year and in the end, nothing to show for it. My current abode is so full of stuff it's driving me crazy. I think the minimalist in me is having a breakdown. I want to go through my house with a trash bag and throw away everything that I don't use on a daily basis. Now I understand why Postmen go crazy, it never ends. For them it's the mail. For me it's the laundry and the dishes. As soon as I think I have a handle on things everything gets out of control. It just keeps coming. I mean, seriously, how can four people possibly wear so much clothing?

I think my house would stay clean if there was never anyone here to mess it up.

Maybe I wasn't cut out for this job.... that or I need a vacation.

What? I can't hear you

For several weeks, yes I said weeks, I dealt with a horrible sinus infection. Fun Times. As a result of this infection I developed random ear infections. These I have not experienced since I was a child.
The first one occurred when I spent most of the night sleeping on one side causing all the drainage to collect, causing an ear infection, this is attractive I know, but I do have a point just stick with me. By noon that next day it was better. No big deal. Two days later I got another one, on the other side. I assumed it was caused the same way so I took some dayquil and went about my business. But this one felt different and by noon that day I was in so much pain I could hardly move. This pain resulted in a ruptured eardrum a few hours later. *see footnote
I spent the next few days with cotton in my ear to keep the drainage from leaking down my face. YUCK! In the midst of this I made an unavoidable trip to the beautiful mountains of New Mexico which means pressure change much like riding in an airplane where your ears pop. This was a pleasant experience. Since that time I have only been able to hear muffled sounds out of my right ear. I'm a little concerned. The stuff I read online said it should take 1-2 weeks to heal on it's own, in some cases antibiotics may be needed to take care of the virus. Well, I've felt better for a week and a half now, but still can't hear. It was three weeks last Thursday.
Should I be worried? Has anyone else experienced this? Will my hearing ever come back?

* Currently my husband and I have no health insurance. Too freakin' expensive. So it would have cost me a small fortune and a whole day, which I did not have, in a waiting room to see some random doctor. Therefore, I consulted WebMD and got what I felt was adequate information and proceeded with course of action they suggested.


Whenever Molly Jenson sends out an email she always ends it with a short list of things she is currently loving. I like this idea so here is my list...

1. Target brand stuff... it's just like the name brand only usually 1/2 the price
2. the Mr. Clean eraser (the target brand one) 'cause it gets the crayon off the wall
3. WhichWich in the mall - they have TASTY sammies
4. Front porches to sit on and enjoy a summer evening
5. Pot(providence)luck after church

And one pet peeve...

Kids who don't respect authority/other people in general. I have a million first hand experiences but I'll share just one. Tonight while sitting in the mall food court eating my dinner a young man walked by with some friends. He was carrying a shopping bag which hit me upside the head as he passed. He knew it hit me and didn't even say excuse me or I'm sorry. He just kept walking. What a punk.

my outlet

So I figured if I could jump on the myspace bandwagon I might as well do this blogging thing... I mean seriously...what girl doesn't like to pretend she's Carrie Bradshaw? There is nothing like chatting with your friends about the days events and the strange and unusual happenings. What's better than walking in to tap class and saying "Michelle. You will never guess what happened last night!" But now Michelle is in Houston and I'm a stay at home mom. No tap classes, no hours upon hours spent at Four Star, no pool games at Red Star.
So here it is. My outlet. A place for me to share my quirky and sometimes funny only to me daily events. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Most recent Robot Kenzie saying : "Mayonnaise"